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3 Reasons Not To Give Him a Second Date

Signs Your Date Won't End Well

When it comes to dating some dread the idea, some can’t wait, and others just aren’t even phased by the thought; but no matter the emotion, no girl wants a bad date. A bad date is a waste of time, a mood killer, & depending on how bad it is may even be a self esteem killer. As someone who has had her fair share of terrible dates I can honestly say that there are a few tell tale signs that let you know that your date may take a turn from bad to worse, assuming it ever took off to begin with.

 Before You Even Date

Depending on how you met your potential date, be it in person or via one of the million dating apps and sites, a guy’s interaction with you before you actually go on a date can say a lot about what will go down once you finally get there. When you meet a guy online and he opens with calling you sweetie, hun, boo, princess or any variation, you should be concerned. You have a name and he should learn it, not to mention the intimacy he openly invited into the situation without any cues from you. Guys like this tend to be overly concerned about making you bae without really knowing anything about you. On the flip, beware the guy who doesn’t really talk much but is insistent that he’d rather meet in person. Some people really are in inherently internet shy & prefer real life interaction, but other guys are usually about seeing you in person to get their hands on you. It’s rare that he’s really saving up all of his good conversation for face to face interaction, if there’s no chemistry that was a loss for you both. A few messages/conversations that establish mutual interests & some fun banter are a good lead into a date, it’s never a great idea to fly absolutely blind.

Not For Your Convenience

Something I learned from ,The Male Think Tank of Twenties Unscripted, is that a guy who cares even a little about something with you will try to make things a little convenient for you. Now that’s not to say he’s gonna bend over backwards to accommodate with you, but he’s going to find some middle ground to compromise with your convenience. If a guy suggests a place after work that’s out of the way from where you work but is conveniently located around the corner from his place or job, then he really probably isn’t thinking too much about a great date, but maybe an easy way to get you back to his apartment. A noisy bar is a great lead into “my place is quiet and around the corner.” Also, absolutely beware of the guy who invites you to his place for a first date ESPECIALLY if you’ve never met. That guy doesn’t want to date you, he wants to bed you. I’ve heard multiple men say that even if they only had $10 to take out a date they would take her to a nice coffee shop & not invite her over to “watch Netflix”; that’s not endearing or him opening up his home to you, that’s him plotting, being cheap, and inconsiderate. If going on a date is an inconvenience for you but not for him, it’s a flag. My dad always taught me you shouldn’t make yourself so absolutely and readily available for a guy, and over the years that advice has made more and more sense.

 Sir, Your Hands

It is absolutely okay not to want to be hugged up with a guy who you really don’t know. A big issue for me on first dates is how physical men think it is okay to be. Slapping me on the ass an hour into the date is not okay for me. Men who ask why I’m not sitting closer to them, who excessively comment on my body, or feel totally at ease with laying their hand high up on my thigh without any body language from me that says “I want you to touch me”, are not okay in my book, ever. Men who can be intimately aggressive like this in the beginning have one thing in mind, and for some reason always seem to think that by being this physical they’re flattering you. When this is the progress of a date, my understanding becomes that you aren’t actively listening to me or our conversation because you’re so fixated on ensuring that you are in some form of physical contact with me. When you don’t cut these men off at the knees right here, they think that it’s an okay to get even more physically free with you. Men who essentially try to get me to sit on their laps on the first date are absolute red flags for me. I usually move their hands to a very appropriate & public place, and point out and state clearly that I’m not comfortable with so much physicality. Any man who tries to rationalize it by saying, I’m not uncomfortable with his hand but instead how society over sexualizes touch (I can’t make this shit up guys), gets my part of the bill in cash and an automatic goodnight. If this happens to you leave this date, leave this date NOW.

It’s no secret that dating is hard, no matter how you slice it. Your time and company are precious so don’t be afraid to be just a little selective when accepting a date. Keep an open mind, but pay attention to the signs and you could possibly save yourself a potentially horrific date.

And Then There Was One: The Last Black Doll

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At the height of the early 2000s every little girl was ready to hold her breath until her face turned purple in an effort to convince her parents that she needed an American Girl doll to live. The series of dolls was designed to represent young girls in different stages of American History. There are currently 11 American Girl Dolls listed under the historical doll section of the website, but in May of 2014 the company released a statement informing everyone that they would be archiving a few of the dolls. Included among these dolls were two companion dolls, one Asian and the other African American. This left no Asian dolls in the historic collection and only one African American doll, Addy, an escaped slave.

I was one of those little girls who begged my mother for an American Girl doll, the expensive novelty intended for nothing more than to accompany me on play dates with my friends and their American Girl Dolls. The Christmas of 2001, I got my wish, as I tore open the box to a brand new Addy doll. I was ecstatic to finally have a doll like my friends, except of course, she was Black. My mother would only buy me Black dolls and I was perfectly happy with that. Addy came dressed in a pink long sleeve dress with a straw bonnet tied around her head and a cowrie shell necklace around her neck. In her hand was a small wrapped cloth that contained a drinking gourd. I didn’t think too much of the fact that she came with so little, I was smart enough to know that the company wanted you to buy more. It wasn’t until I had my first play date with Addy that I began to feel odd. My friends pulled out their Samantha and Felicity dolls, wearing pretty velvet dresses and cloth bonnets with intricate floral patterns, as I stared at my very ordinary looking Addy. I told my mom I needed to get Addy some nicer things, but when I went on the website the only Addy accessories were some socks and shoes, a plain nightgown, and another very ordinary dress. I was so disappointed at the lack of choices for Addy that my 8-year-old self wrote a strongly worded letter to the American Girl Doll Company, asking that they provide the only black doll in the collection with more options. I, of course, got no response.

In my early 20s, I can now recognize a lot more about my doll that I couldn’t as a child. My disappointment then came from the lack of accessories for the Black doll, my disappointment now, is rooted in the lack of Black dolls. What does it say that the only Black doll in this collection of historical dolls, is an escaped slave? What should we take away from a doll whose accompanying story begins with her pain in the cotton fields? Let’s be very real here, the only girls buying Addy dolls are Black. So why must they be subjected to the notion that their most important time highlighted in history by a doll, is a time when we were brought and sold as commodities? If I’m not mistaken there isn’t a doll who was designed to remind Jewish girls of the horrors of the holocaust, and Addy clearly will not be informing non children of color about the struggles of Black life in Civil War America. So why are we subjecting young Black girls to such a heavy weight with their doll? It’s easy to argue the importance of not skipping over slavery in America , and I agree that it is necessary for all people of all ages to understand its cruelties. If there were no doll from the time period of slavery I would be equally disappointed at the disregard for this painful piece of history, but to imply that the only African American doll worth making it into the American Girl collection is a runaway slave, completely invalidates the worth of all the other accomplishments of African Americans and particularly Black women in America. Why is there not a Black doll from the Civil Right’s movement era, who made bold life changing choices like Ruby Bridges and the Little Rock 5? Or even a Harlem Renaissance based doll, who would have wonderful chance encounters with Langston Hughes and Jacob Lawerence all from the stoop of her brownstone. There is such a rich history of Black America that is inclusive of but not restricted to our time spent here as slaves. There are so many missed opportunities for another doll; not a companion doll, like the discontinued Cécile, but for a doll that could sustain a story line all its own.

My last qualm with the Addy doll is her appearance. Alice Jones, an African American historian who helped to make sure the historical accuracy of the Addy companion book series discussed her disappointment with the Addy doll design in a lecture at North Carolina Central University.

“I wanted Addy to have the characteristic of a black girl living during that time period, and in the end we ended up with what we had,” said Jones, who described the doll Pleasant Books came up with as ‘Latina-looking,’ with silky hair and light skin.”

Now, the light skin vs dark skin debate is alive and well in the Black community to this day, but the reality is that one drop prevails over all. If you’re a little Black, you’re Black; but what should be made known about the Addy doll is that she can not realistically depict a field slave from Civil War America. Light skinned slaves were in the house and out of the sun and the darker ones worked in the fields, that’s history. Now, what field slave do you know of with a silky press and curl? The physical Addy doll is Black only by virtue of the fact that they made her browner, than all the other dolls. None of her features reflect the character she is intended to portray.

Whether we like it or not, dolls have a heavy influence on little girls. They depict standards of beauty, they determine the stories girls create in playtime, and they affect a young girls aspirations in life. The American Girl collection is a very influential set of dolls, that has managed to span generations and it is unfortunate that a company dedicated to showcasing stages in American history is so deeply lacking in its ability to accurately showcase the history of people of color in America.